I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
