Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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