i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
