Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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