kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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