What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
