Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The power of my boobs compel you
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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