dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
