sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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