my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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