So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
