I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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