youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize