I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize