What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
