his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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