Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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