Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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