If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
