Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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