WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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