I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
two words: eviction party
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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