The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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