So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
