I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
