You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
