I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
