Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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