I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
