Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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