I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
