I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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