your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
