i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
