Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize