Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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