It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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