Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
