a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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