This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
