Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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