the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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