I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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