Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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