Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
