Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
