I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
