either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
