i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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