I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
