I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize