Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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