In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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