Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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