when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
