Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
