i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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