I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
