so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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