I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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