What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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