Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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